


I didn't know

by Morathi_Cain



Series: What is it about those engineering boys? [21]
Category: My Engineer (TV)
Genre: Bohn is being insecure, Bohn will be cared for and hugged, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, NO RAPE HAPPENING, Panic Attack, Tumblr-prompt, believe me, healthy coping mechanism doesn't come easy, learning, reference to Mild's assault on Bohn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:01:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25651033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morathi_Cain/pseuds/Morathi_Cain
Summary: Tumblr-prompt: Bohn gets assaulted again. This time, he learns he isn't at fault and is allowed to be afraid.So, I did my best to handle this topic carefully, especially after what went down in the show. I hope I managed a somewhat decent job ^^°THERE'S NO RAPE HAPPENING!There are still descriptions of Bohn being assaulted against his will, so if you are sensitive about this, please skip this one.The prompt made me think of two scenarios and I wrote both (thanks brain). They're not happening in the same universe, but in different ones. so, two possible ways this could go.  Chapter 1 is somewhat darker (in my opinion), so you can skip that one if you want to. Or read it, it's up to you.
Relationships: First Kankun/Bon Sirikarnkul, King & Bon Sirikarnkul
Series: What is it about those engineering boys? [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1708738
Comments: 18
Kudos: 91
Collections: FirstBohn - when a ghostship takes your soul





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you @the person who sent me the prompt
> 
> and here we go! ^^
> 
> Ps. I hope you read the tags ^^°

I didn’t know

It had happened again.

No, not again, because back then had been nothing, had been a dumb joke he should have forgotten already.

So, it had happened.

Staring in front of him, his breathing haggard and uneven, his pulse racing as if he had to flee, his hands sweaty and cold, Bohn couldn’t even have said what exactly had been happening. Or rather, he didn’t want to remember, because it would make the pressure on his throat worse, the pain in his head intensify. All he wanted to do was scream, but no sound came out of his mouth.

Better so, a voice inside him said, almost sneering, since there wasn’t even a reason to scream.

There wasn’t, he knew, but he was still like that.

Shocked to the bone and unable to move.  
It was even worse than those two times before. Those times which hadn’t happened. Because it had been his fault, as much as it probably was his fault right now as well and he shouldn’t be shocked but on his way to First to apologise and be ashamed and hoping he’d be forgiven and ...

A vibration in his pocket ripped him away from those thoughts for a moment, even though they were still threatening at the back of his head, looming over him, ready to attack every second again.

With trembling hands, he fished the phone out of his pocket and stared at the screen. Knowing it wasn’t First was a relief, no matter how much one part of him, deep down, had wanted exactly that.

He wondered if he should ignore King, run away and never come back. But they had planned to meet and his friend was probably waiting already and wondering where Bohn was because apparently Bohn had been freaking out way too long about something so stupid and shallow and unimportant and he should have ...

„Yeah?“

For a second, silence greeted him on the phone. Since he could hear his own heartbeat, it wasn’t silent enough, to be honest.

„What’s wrong?“

He seriously had forgotten the way his best friend always knew when something was up.

„Nothing. Why? I’m on my way, sorry for ...“

„Bohn. What’s going on? Where are you?“

He knew that tone of voice. King wouldn’t be persuaded. He wouldn’t let go of the topic and he’d be even more suspicious the moment he’d see Bohn. They knew each other far too long for that.

In addition, Bohn realised he wouldn’t be able to behave naturally any time soon. Not in the way he wanted, not without crying or his legs shaking. He hadn’t moved one bit since it had happened, his back still against the wall of the alley.

Maybe he should tell King. And then King could tell him he didn’t have a reason to be shocked and should just get over it and maybe apologise or not or hide it or ...

„I wanted to get some cash and ...“, he looked around and he was still there. He had, after all, gotten his cash.

King said the place and Bohn agreed automatically.

„I’m with you in a second“, Bohn could hear rushed steps and changing background noises and he wanted to tell King it was okay, he didn’t need to come, „I won’t stop the call, don’t worry. What did you eat today?“

What he ... Bohn blinked several times, his mind desperately trying to remember what he’d eaten. Why would King want to know this? Did he want to get him something?

„I’m not hungry“, he stammered.

„That’s okay. Can you still tell me what you ate?“

King seemed a bit breathless by now as if he was running.

„Rice for breakfast“, Bohn finally started, even though it seemed surprisingly hard to remember something so daily, „And sandwiches for lunch. You know, at the cafe close to the campus?“

„Yes, I know that one. Their sandwiches are awesome. A bit expensive, but awesome. And for dinner?“

Bohn frowned. For dinner? He hadn’t eaten dinner yet, it was only late afternoon. In fact, they had planned to meet up to eat together. So what was King talking about?

„I haven’t had dinner yet and you know that. We wanted to get BBQ now!“

„Glad you remembered“, Bohn could hear the smirk even through the phone and took a deep breath to tell his friend what exactly he thought of such ...

King ran around the corner, appearing at the exact moment Bohn had wished him to. He put down the phone.

„What was this bullshit? Were you having fun? Did you think, I wouldn’t remember this? So you could have a BBQ without me?“

King was smirking by now, but it wasn’t the carefree smirk, Bohn was used to. He was also sweating and breathing hard.

„Glad to know you’re able to insult me again.“

Oh, right.

Bohn looked down, realising he was standing straight again, supported by his own legs and his hands no longer trembling. Or had been, because the instant he realised it, his memory came back. The trembling started again, even if it wasn’t as bad as before.

„Shit“, King was next to him in a second, „I’m here, I’m with you. You can continue to insult me if it helps.“

Helplessly, Bohn looked up again, even though he didn’t have to look far with King being so much smaller.

„You want me to insult you?“

„Or count to ten? If it helps?

Count to ten? Insult King? Why would King allow him to do that or why ... oh ...  
He stared at his best friend, almost in wonder. He’d been about to be distracted, again.

“Do you want to stay here or move somewhere else?”

Bohn didn’t even have to think hard about that one: “Somewhere else.”

“Okay. What do you want to tell me? Or do you want me to tell you something? I have some pretty funny tales about my nephews.”

For a moment, Bohn thought about it. He adored King’s stories about the boys, but he knew his brain would start overthinking on its own if he was allowed to listen.

“Ask me questions.”

“Okay”, King nodded as he casually put his arm around Bohn as if they were simply on a walk together, “Do you have a favourite colour? And if so, why?”

“Orange”, Bohn replied promptly, proceeding to tell King about the orange daisies, which fit First so beautifully, his guilt almost forgotten for the moment.

~~~

“So”, King started carefully as they sat on a bench in an empty park, “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

Going from rambling about the latest recipes he’d been trying to that moment again, was nerve-wracking. Nerve-wracking, but not as bad as it had been before. So maybe he was ready? Maybe he should do it?

His former thoughts about King dismissing his panic and his fear seemed almost ridiculous now. King would never behave like that and Bohn wasn’t sure how to feel about it yet.

And so he swallowed and started telling King, his arms crossed and his fingers gripping his own shirt, about this guy and his girlfriend. Two people, he had met when he’d gotten some cash. Two people who had been drunk, obviously. Two people who had started calling him ‘Babe’ and who had started touching him when he hadn’t responded.  
The way he told it was objective and neutral, almost devoid of any emotion. Simply what had happened, nothing more. No panic, no fear.

The woman had grabbed his ass while giggling and when he’d turned, she’d kissed him, her boyfriend holding him from behind, so he couldn’t defend himself.

They had told him to enjoy it, to stop struggling.  
They had told him how they had wanted to take him home and fuck him and be fucked.  
The guy had been halfway successful at opening his fly when Bohn had finally been able to push them off and get away. Not far, only around the corner, but at least away.  
He had heard them follow him, but other people had come and they had apparently simply forgotten about him, laughing with those strangers and making stupid jokes about this cutie they would have loved to take home as a pet.

When Bohn finished, silence surrounded them.

King was shocked, so much was obvious. Bohn could almost see the way his mind was turning, trying to find the right way to proceed.

“Do you think I should apologise?”

King hadn’t expected that, apparently.

“What now? To whom?”

Bohn felt as if he’d done something incredibly stupid, but nothing in King’s demeanour made it seem as if King was angry at him. Rather confused. At least.

“To First? Because I kissed someone else?”

King swallowed and took a deep breath.

“You didn’t kiss anyone, Bohn. You were harassed.”

“But ...”

“You were harassed and we should find the people who have done it. You have done nothing wrong and all you probably should do is go to First and tell him and make him hug you until you’ve cried so much you have no tears left. Or to be next to you when you scream into a pillow or destroy a boxing sack. Whatever helps you.”

“Find them? Why?”

“To make them pay for what they’ve done?”

Fear and confusion were mixed inside of him.

“But ... why? Wasn’t it my fault?”

“Your ... no!”

The resoluteness in King’s voice took him back. No?  
Realising, he’d confused Bohn even further, King took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

“You haven’t asked for any of it, so it isn’t your fault and you’ve done nothing wrong. No need to apologise to anyone. If someone should apologise, it should be those assholes. It’s your decision if you want to pursue the matter and I will help you in any way I can. Okay? And whoever else you want to be in the team.”

“So ... First won’t be angry with me?”

“Why would you think ... oh.”

The realisation was visible on King’s face.

“Duen. And Mild.”

Bohn nodded, his throat tightening at the memories. At remembering the accusations of Duen, the disgusting feelings he’d had after it had happened and the endless times he’d apologised. Because it had been his fault. He shouldn’t have allowed anyone to kiss him and Duen had been right and ...

Oh ...

Bohn blinked and for a second he almost felt like fainting, his whole body seeming hollow and frozen, only a tingling sensation in his fingertips.

Duen, of course. He knew most of their relationship had been fucked up and almost nothing he’d learned during it was healthy in any way. But he’d decided to take this major point and still believe Duen’s words? Of course, he had ...

“To be fair”, King said as if he’d listened in on Bohn’s thoughts, “That’s societies way of thinking. But it’s bullshit. Okay? No matter how tall and strong you are, you can still be the victim and it’s nothing you have to apologise for.”

Deep exhaustion washed over Bohn as he heard those words. Exhaustion and sadness and anger. At Duen, at the drunk couple and at himself for being such a slow learner. For still believing the shit this man had taught him. Out of ignorance probably, but still. For thinking of this one time when others had told him otherwise already.

The exhaustion made the grip on his control slippery and he could feel the tears threatening to fall.

“Do you want me to hug you?”

Bohn thought about it for a moment. He would love to, but he would surely start to cry and they were still out in public. So he shook his head.

“Do you want to go to First?”

“Yes, but ...”, he stopped, not knowing what exactly was keeping him from it. Because yes, he wanted to see First, but he didn’t want to explain everything again right now, feeling as if he’d reached the bottom of his energy.

Luckily, King was used to quiet people, even though he hadn’t had to use this ability for Bohn very often until now.

“You don’t want to talk about it?”

“Yeah ...”

“Shall I tell him the short version so he knows something is up and you can tell it later?”

Bohn hadn’t thought of the possibility at all.

“Is that possible?”

Wasn’t he obligated to tell why, when he’d come crying?

“From what I know about your boyfriend”, King grinned, “It will be absolutely alright for him. Don’t you think so?”

Well, yes, of course. First was considerate and patient and didn’t judge and ... okay, he could have answered this himself.

“Please call him”, he murmured, his cheeks now warm from embarrassment.

“Okay. Shall we start walking already?”

Once again, Bohn nodded and stood up, while King got his phone out of his pocket. They started to walk towards First’s home, King always close to support Bohn if he needed any help, but with enough distance to let him breathe as he tried to stabilise himself mentally. Just enough to get home.

Because his home was with First now.

~~~

When First opened the door only a second after they had ringed the bell, Bohn felt all the exhaustion wash over him. Despite his wish to appear strong and steady, he didn’t think he could stand for even a second longer, his tears instantly starting to run down his cheeks while all he could do, was stare at his boyfriend.

All First did, was open his arms and Bohn found himself in those, seconds later, embracing his boyfriend until he was wrapped around him.

His fake, former pride didn’t matter.  
King being with them, didn’t matter.  
His fears ... mattered.

Murmured phrases to calm Bohn down, made his heart a bit lighter and let his tears run more freely. His grip on First got tighter and tighter until everything became one. The pain, the fears, the love, the sadness, the anger, all bundled up in every nerve of his being, let out in an endless stream of tears.

When he finally came back to the present, he realised First had moved them to the bedroom and they were lying in the dark, pressed together from head to toe in an almost painful embrace.

“Sorry”, he murmured as he loosened his grip.

“Don’t worry”, First replied, his voice rough as if he’d cried as well, “You needed it.”

Bohn wondered if he’d cried the whole time or if he’d fallen asleep at some point since the darkness wasn’t because of the blinds, but because it was night right now.

He felt calmer. Exhausted to his bones, but also more at peace with himself. And glad he had heeded King’s advice. To imagine he’d been sitting in his own flat instead, in complete misery, made him almost panic again. Almost.

“Did I let go at all?”

First shook his head, his hands roaming Bohn’s face with feather-like touches, brushing strands of hair away. As if he needed to do it to make sure Bohn was actually with him. As if he’d had the urge for hours now, unable to follow through: “Not once. Are you thirsty?”

“Quite a lot”, Bohn admitted.

“I’ll get some water then”, First smiled and kissed Bohn’s nose, making him cross-eyed for a second.

When his boyfriend rose, Bohn tried to as well, but First stopped instantly.

“I’ll come with you.”

“You don’t need to. Stay in bed, I’ll be back in a second.”

Bohn felt his neck and cheeks get warm again, but he was too exhausted to stop denying his own wants.

“I want to keep close to you.”

The frown changed to a smile and First took his hand into his.

“Well, maybe we should make a quick detour to the bathroom then? You want to take a shower?”

Realising he was feeling sticky in his clothes, Bohn pulled a face: “Yes, definitely.”

“Together?”

Bohn’s grip on First’s hand tightened: “Yes.”

First stopped and looked at Bohn, his eyes roaming his face as if he needed to memorise it all. For now, for the next second, forever.  
Cupping Bohn’s chin, he pulled him down and kissed his nose again. His forehead also, as well as his cheeks.

Releasing him with a soft smile, First took his hand again, intertwining their fingers with determination.

“I’ve got you”, he murmured before he led Bohn outside the bedroom.

Bohn followed, taking the next steps forward. This time with someone he trusted, right by his side.

the End


	2. Chapter 2

I didn't know - 2

“What the fuck?!”

Bohn rarely heard First swear. And scream. And almost never swear and scream. But here he was, walking straight up to Bohn with so much anger in his body while simultaneously wearing two cups, Bohn took a step back, the apology ready on his tongue.

But First didn’t even look at him. Instead, he stared at the other guy as if he wanted to murder him. The one who had, while Bohn was waiting for First to come back with their drinks, decided he wanted to flirt. Which Bohn had totally ignored, hoping his death stare and a cold shoulder would be enough to send him away.

If anything, his stares had apparently made the guy more daring and just when Bohn had turned away, he’d been grabbed and pulled into a kiss.

His whole body had been in shock, his mind reeling and panic rising in his chest. First’s shout had been enough to make the guy break the kiss, but didn’t stop him from grabbing Bohn’s ass to keep him close.

When Bohn had stepped back, the guy had finally let loose, apparently realising now that this little ball of fury was steamrolling towards them. Towards him, to be sure.

And before he could say anything, react anyhow, First’s fist landed on the chin of the guy, punching him hard enough to floor him.

Astonished, Bohn watched as First threw the drinks against the man and stood over him, his face distorted by all the anger. Once again, he wondered, why it wasn’t directed at him, his wish to apologise still pressing.

“You fucker! What do you think you’re doing? Keep your hands off of him!”

The guy tried to protect himself from the plastic cups and the drinks, flying against him while holding his chin, obviously in pain.

“What?”, he snarled as he was covered in beer, “Are you his boyfriend or what?”

First leaned down, his face now dangerously close to him, making him more than uncomfortable.

“Yes, I am. But I would have punched you, even if I wasn’t. You dare touch and kiss someone who doesn’t want it? You’re a pervert and an asshole!”

“He liked it! He didn’t even push me away!”

He didn’t even see the next punch and his cry was accompanied by tears streaming down his cheeks, mixed with blood from his nose. That was a broken nose and a bruised chin. He should better stop talking because First looked ready to punch him again.

Nervous and unsure what his own role was now, Bohn inched closer. Wasn’t this his responsibility?

Satisfied that the guy wouldn’t defend himself so fast, First turned towards the entrance of the club. By now the music had toned down and people around them were staring.

“Security!”

“What?”

It was almost a squeak, coming from the guy as he stared up at First, his panic rising rapidly. But Bohn would have asked the same. Was this really necessary? Slowly he got another step closer.

“You reap what you sow. Or if that’s too complicated: behave like a creepy asshole and be prepared for the consequences!”

“But ...”

One look from First and the guy stopped talking again, by now a crying and bleeding mess on the ground. And First was still standing over him, the tension and hot fury radiating from his body. It frightened Bohn a bit to see his boyfriend like that. He was also in awe, realising this small guy was more than capable of protecting himself.

The security guards appeared and in an instant, First toned down his fury. Instead, it was rather cool anger now, with him being completely in control, every word of his clearly enunciated.

“What happened?”

“This man assaulted my boyfriend.”

The men looked at the mess on the floor.

“Why is he on the ground?”

“He didn’t want to let him go and my boyfriend was panicking. I had to get him off somehow.”

All three men looked First up and down out of surprise and Bohn understood. Completely. Especially since First started smiling now as if to drive home the point that he was a soft guy. Maybe to show he wouldn’t unnecessarily hit someone, Bohn wasn’t sure yet.

He wasn’t sure of anything, to be honest. By now he was standing closer to his boyfriend but without any idea of what to do. What was his purpose? What were First’s thoughts? What should he ...

A hand gently taking his, got him out of his thoughts.

First had stepped back, closer to him, a soft smile on his face. An authentic one this time, instead of his business smile.

“That’s your boyfriend?”

First nodded and the guys seemed very confused again. Bohn could practically hear their thoughts.

Why couldn’t someone like him defend himself?  
Was it even possible he’d been assaulted?  
Why had someone small to be the one to protect the tall one?  
Hadn’t he somehow misled the guy?

Tension rose again and he could feel the pressure on his heart, making it harder to breathe as well.

“You can ask everyone around us if you’re suspicious”, First’s voice was, once again, cold as ice, “I am pretty sure they will all say the same.”

Several people had gathered around them already and some of them were nodding. One woman even shouted: “He’s right! This guy is a creep. The tall one tried to ignore his advances and turned away!”

The tightened grip on his hand was enough to calm Bohn down a bit.

First was by his side. He’d chosen to hit and threaten the guy who had kissed him and even though there was still this voice in his head, telling him he was at fault and it couldn’t be First had forgiven him so soon, he chose to believe First and his signs. For now.

“They’re right”, he managed, his voice far weaker than he’d hoped for, “I never wanted this, but I tried to avoid a fight.”

Rather helplessly, the security guys stared for a few more moments, before letting out a sigh almost simultaneously.

“Well, okay. So what do you want to do now?”

Bohn blinked. There was a choice now?

With a seriousness, which sent shivers down Bohn’s back, First looked at him. His voice was so gentle, he didn’t even know what to do about it.

“We can accuse him and tell the police or we let it go.”

Accuse him? Because he had kissed Bohn?  
The concept was new for Bohn, his brain reeling with the logic and possibility of it.

“What would you do?”

Bohn seriously didn’t know. How should he? This had never happened to him.

”I say we tell the police. No idea what’s going to happen, but at least we’ve tried and this asshole will think twice about assaulting anyone else.”

“Is that necessary?”, Bohn whispered.

“You wanted him to kiss you?”

It wasn’t an accusation, but a serious question. One which Bohn had no problem answering.

“No.”

“Well”, First said, giving Bohn’s hand a squeeze, “Then it is necessary.”

When Bohn continued to stare at him, unsure how to voice his insecurities, his helplessness and his feelings, First hugged him tightly. Despite being so much smaller, he, once again, made Bohn feel protected and safe.

“I am by your side.”

~~~

It was later after they had exchanged some information with the police, First holding his hand all the while, that they finally arrived at First’s flat. Except for what they’d said at the bar, they hadn’t talked about it yet. And despite Bohn’s former hope, he got nervous again. His hand was clammy and he knew First knew since he was still holding it.

On the way back, they had been rather quiet, First only speaking of light-hearted topics, not even touching this one.  
Would he say anything once they were back? Or would he wait for Bohn to do it? And if, what should he say?

“Oh, wait!”, in front of his door, First stopped and looked at Bohn properly, “I haven’t even asked you where you’d like to stay tonight. Your place or mine?”

Did he ... did he want him to go home? Didn’t First want him to stay over?

Bohn should know it was bullshit and overthinking, but he had no energy left, his body running on the last bit he had. He wondered if he’d simply collapse once First let go of his hand and he feared the moment.

“Do you want me to go?”

It sounded like a dumb question, but he asked it anyway. He’d learned, after all, that First wanted him to ask this, no matter how stupid it sounded for himself.

First blinked as if he hadn’t even thought about that, taking some weight of Bohn’s heart instantly.

“No”, he turned towards Bohn with this smile of his which gave Bohn the feeling as if he’d been wrapped in a blanket and kissed on the forehead, “I only want to know if you want us to sleep at your place or mine. I will follow you until you say ‘stop’.”

He should have known, but some part of his heart was still unsure and confused and scared and ... it was good to hear it actually. To hear First say those words instead of wondering what he was thinking. Or First being pressured to say it.

Tentatively, he smiled back: “Your place.”

“Well then let’s enter”, First grinned and opened the door almost exaggeratedly, bringing a bit of normalcy back.

Being gentle but determined, First told Bohn to sit down first and brought him some water before sitting by his side. Was now the right moment to ask? To say something? To ... apologise?

Bohn didn’t know why the apology was still stuck in his head, especially since First didn’t seem to wait for one. He wasn’t angry at all, but shouldn’t he be? Because Bohn had kissed someone else?

“So”, First started and panic rose inside of Bohn, “I have several options for you now. You could ...”

“I’m sorry!”

Surprised by the shout, First stopped talking and stared at Bohn for a few moments, his mouth slightly agape. He was beyond adorable and if Bohn hadn’t been nervous as hell, he would have told his boyfriend. But for now, his mind was in too much chaos.

“Why?”

The words were gentle and earnest and didn’t help Bohn’s panic. This is a trap, his mind told him, again and again. You should know why it reminded him.

“Because I let someone else kiss me!”

This time the pause was longer. First seemed as if he wanted to say something but stopped himself before he could. And so Bohn continued.

“I shouldn’t even have let him come so close and I should have been strong enough to push him away and I shouldn’t have been so afraid and I should have told him No sooner and I shouldn’t have panicked so much and I ...”

A hand at his wrist made him stop rambling, his eyes focused on his own hands by now, which were trying to show something and nothing, moving non-stop. As if he was taking apart his own heart.

“Hey”, the tenderness in First’s voice broke his heart. He didn’t deserve this, did he? Hadn’t he betrayed him?

“I’m not angry at you and you don’t have to apologise. For anything.”

Slowly, Bohn looked up again.

“You did nothing wrong, believe me. The only one being at fault is that asshole who assaulted you. So you didn’t kiss him. You were assaulted by him. Nothing of this was your choice in any way.”

“It ... wasn’t?”

Even though this was First who was speaking, it was somehow still difficult for Bohn to believe it.

“He was the aggressor and you’re the victim. So, nothing was your fault.”

It was at least something. One problem off his mind.

“And”, First started again, trying to control the concern in his face, “You have every right to panic. To have someone invade your privacy and force you to do something you don’t want to is always reason enough to panic and be afraid and stop reacting as you think you should.”

“Did you have something like this happen to you?”

Was First talking from experience? Or was it common knowledge?

“Yes”, First admitted after a moment, “My ex came at me when I was at the birthday party of a friend. Luckily for me, my brothers were there and you know Frong.”

Bohn knew. If Frong wasn’t with Thara, he was one of the sassiest bastards he’d ever met. And they still had somehow become reluctant friends.

“So, my ex was quite intimidated in the end and never came near me again. Nothing major happened and I was lucky. But I still felt like shit for some time and that’s absolutely okay. For you as well.”

Nodding silently, Bohn started playing with First’s hands, needing the contact to believe. Or at least, try to believe.

First swallowed: “Did someone else do this to you in the past?”

Instant tension took over Bohn’s body and he gripped First’s hands tight enough for him to hiss.

“I ... sorry”, he let loose again, his cheeks burning by now, ”I ... yes.”

He could feel First’s eyes searching his face for something, while he was concentrating on First’s chin.

“You don’t want to talk about it?”

Thinking back to those days when he’d been hugged and kissed against his will, when he’d apologised to Duen again and again, being sure he had done something wrong, was like stone-cold dread in his stomach.  
No, he didn’t want to talk about it.

He shook his head: “Not yet.”

“Will you tell me yourself or do you want me to ask you again?”

Slowly, Bohn’s breathing got lighter, knowing he didn’t have to talk, yet. Hell, knowing First, he wouldn’t pressure him to say anything ever and that helped. A lot.

“You can ask me and maybe I’ll tell you myself.”

He dared to look up again and was met with so much love, it knocked over his insecurities for a moment. Only a small moment, but it was enough for one step more.

“It ...”, he started, “It happened twice while I was with Duen.”

Understanding dawned on First’s face. They had talked enough about Bohn’s former relationship to be clear where some of the problems were coming from.

“I guess you apologised a lot?”

First’s eyes widened almost instantly and he made haste to continue: “Sorry. I didn’t want to ask any more questions. Thank you for telling me what you’ve told me already. That’s a lot already.”

Strangely enough, instead of panicking again, Bohn felt rather relieved and still brave enough.

“I did”, he simply replied, his heart by now in his throat.

Instead of saying anything else, First pulled Bohn closer, rather determined: “I’ll protect you.”

“But I ...”

“You can protect yourself, I know. And me. And I’ll be there if you need me.”

“When”, Bohn mumbled, realising his cheeks were warm once more.

First looked at him curiously.

“It should be ‘When I need you’. Because I do.”

A moment later, he got slowly pulled towards a strong but narrow shoulder, his head being kissed and a warm hand at his back, giving him halt.

“I need you, too”, by now First’s voice was rough as if he had spent all his control and energy already, “And I love you.”

His panic and worries for now at the back of his head, Bohn snuggled closer, embracing First as much as possible.

“I love you, too”, he murmured and the words alone were enough to spread happiness through his body, warming him inside out.

Still keeping him close, First continued: “We have all the time we want. So what do you need right now?”

Some time ago, Bohn wouldn’t have dared to say anything, or he would have tried to joke about it or say something he’d think First would want as well. But he had learned. A bit at least.

“Cuddles. And a bath.”

He could feel First nodding.

“You want me to join you?”

It was a good question,

“For the cuddles, yes, please. For the bath, maybe next time?”

He still didn’t want to hurt his boyfriend.

“Whenever you’re ready.”

And for the first time, after everything that had happened, Bohn felt as if he was finally able to breathe freely again.

He was allowed to be afraid.  
He was allowed to panic.  
He was allowed to cry and ask for help.

The tears came on their own, but Bohn didn’t try to stop them.  
First was with him and he was safe.

It was okay.

the End

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Please let me know if you liked it or want to share your opinion about it.
> 
> If you want to talk with me, feel free to contact me on Tumblr: morathicain.tumblr.com


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